Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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