I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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