I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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