one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
