That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
