i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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