i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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