Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
