You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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