Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
