Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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