I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Found the puke drawer
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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