I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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