Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
