I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
