goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
