If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
