Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
