I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
