How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's shark week go big or go home
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
