no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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