Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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