Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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