Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
