I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
