Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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