Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
