fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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