ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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