We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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