I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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