Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
