My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
