My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
