do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
