You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
