I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
