I just saw a hot homeless man
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
