No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
