Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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