you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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