i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
