the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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