i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
