Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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