currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
