The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
