I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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