Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
