Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
