Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
